Inedible Chips

Texas Hold-em is the game I know only through the celebrity version hosted by David Foley (was that his name?) and that professional poker player on, I think, Bravo. As you can see, my knowledge of the show is sketchy at best, so my knowledge of the game is even less on point. Here's what I know:

You get two cards. You hope they are pocket Aces. They usually are not.

Everyone calls, folds, raises, or checks. I like the checking because it's fun to say, Check! Check!

Then whoever stays in sees the flop. That's three cards. Those cards are everyone's cards, so you mix and match the cards for the best hand you have with those three and the two you have. Then everyone calls, folds, raises, or checks again.

If more than one person are still in, then another card comes up. I don't remember the name of this card. Everyone still in calls, folds, raises, or checks.

If more than one person are still in, the river comes up. That's the final communal card. Then everyone can call, fold, or raise, and I don't know if checking is an option, but it should be, again, because it's fun to say.

If everyone in stays in, they turn over their cards and we see who wins.

I think.

Muck means you don't show your cards after you win if you don't have to. You never should if you don't have to. Mucking is good.

Things that are still confusing to me: small blind, big blind, why they call the dealer "the button" (though, that too is fun to say), and why they call a good hand "the nuts."

In the moment, I don't remember what hands are good hands. I don't understand odds at all.

All in means shoving all your stuff into the pot and praying that everyone else will fold. Sometimes you can go all in and not be out of the game even if you lose the hand.

With this in mind, I waited along with Eddie for his poker buddies to swing by for a game. Eddie and his friend were playing a pre-game with S arrived with R since R was going to play. S and I went to Ralph's for ices and then went to visit her parents. While there, Eddie called me to ask where the bottle opener was because everyone just arrived and he was handing out beer, the main reason he wanted to have the game at our place this time--we wanted to get rid of the beer.

We own about four bottle openers that are fully visible in the kitchen. There are a few more lying around. He couldn't find one. He's been living here since October.

S and I walked back to find all the guys there along with AF, Eddie's friend's SMM's girlfriend. The three of us decided to find the girliest thing possible on television while the guys played. One of the guys playing was very upset at this because the basketball game was on. You can't have your chips and eat them too, buddy. Eddie got his laptop and put on the game on the internet so the guy could watch. He was in his little own heaven with the laptop on a folding chair beside him.

As they were getting ready to play, I asked Eddie if he wanted to open a window or two. The house was a sauna with all the people in it. He was like, yeah could you? What the? I was like, or you could turn around and pull them open. He was like, oh yes I could do that too. Someone asked if we could turn on the A/C. We laughed at that. Our A/C was not yet in. Plus, we hate the A/C.

The game went on for what seemed like forever. So did the awards show, which actually wasn't that bad. S wanted to bet on who would win because she had a blanket prediction of "anything Twilight." Which was a good call and I don't think anyone would have bet against it any way.

The pizza arrived quickly from Mama Gina's. I'm not a huge fan of it because it's oily. When we opened it, I had to cut through the pieces with a steak knife. S was like, don't you have a pizza slicer? I was like, If I had one, I'd be using it. She suggested I put it on my registry. I think people are done with my registry, but maybe I will. Then AF asked if we should serve everyone pizza. I was like, Did you hear what Eddie told everyone when it came? He'd said, this house is everyone's house so everyone can get their own pizza. AF was like, so we just walk through with our own pizza? I was like, yes, we do just that. We did. And no one asked where their pizza was because they were focused on the game. S asked R if he wanted a slice because she pretty much knew he wouldn't want it. Nice.

This is how S described Mama Gina's logo: it looks like someone took a photo of their grandmother out of their wallet and blew it up, cut out her head, and put it on the sign.

I added: she has a large oblong head and a bun in the back, and it's a little disturbing.



I don't think either of us is very far from the truth.

It took a good two hours before someone got knocked out. Then they started dropping quickly. By the time S and R left, only three people were left in the game. Then, at almost midnight, it was down to two--Eddie and his friend who had been playing the pre-game before everyone else got there. S commented the next day when I told her of this: Then no one else really had to show up. True! Then again, more people means a bigger pot. When the two of them decided to split the pot, I asked, Did I win? His friend was like, well she's kind of got a point. Heehee.

Everyone left. Eddie asked what we were gonna do with all that pizza. I was like, you mean with these two slices? He was like, there's an entire pie left! I opened the empty boxes to show him and said, when you have a bunch of guys in your house, they're gonna eat the pizza. And btw--we got rid of only one beer. Dammit.

Celebrity Poker Showdown! That's what it was called. My favorite episode was with Penny Marshall who had no idea what she was doing. It was fabulous.