Monday, June 13, 2011

Bugs Trump Shark

The girls decided that a girls' night was needed so we headed to Land Shark on the Nautical Mile. I started my night by finding a spot, parking my little car, and then hearing, Excuse me? I turned around and saw the woman who lived in the house I parked in front of out on her lawn. I said, Yes? She said, You have to move up more, please. I walked to the back of my car and saw I was parked pretty much in front of her driveway. Sorry! I said and moved the car.

I am growing to love Yolanda. Getting used to her takes some time. I cannot park the car without inching up and back about nine or ten times. And sometimes, I have to repark it, as see above.

When I got to Land Shark, I stood outside and waited for AEF. Then I was being attacked by a bug. I texted her to hurry up because I looked like an ass, standing by myself on the sidewalk, karate chopping at the air. Yes, I would still look like an ass with her there, but I looked even worse alone. Also, I was sweating, and nothing says Lady like sweat.

We found an empty space at the bar. Perhaps it had been empty because the guys standing next to us were idiots, throwing beer, water, and ice at each other. Twice, we got wet. Then they decided to jump off the deck into the water. More than once. When T and her bf N arrived, I immediately told them, come closer or you're gonna get wet. Then we spotted an open section farther down so we moved. Instead of being near wet idiots, we were near dancing fools, which is a whole lot better. The DJ was playing mostly 90s pop hip hop dance music, and at one point sampled some Miami Sound Machine without following through with the entire song, which was a total letdown because I was gonna get my Gloria groove on.

When D showed up, it was time to dish because she's got the newest boyfriend, so we wanted stories. She also had a picture. A real picture. N said, it's not often you find people who carry around an actual photograph. Very true! He also told me that he plans to get Kevin Bacon to attend his wedding so he can do the dance from Footloose. I'm wondering if this idea is in T's plans also. Heehee. Then AEF said she's never seen Footloose, which is a complete and utter tragedy. Everyone needs to see Footloose at least once.

The sangria T was drinking was pretty strong. I wasn't drinking because I'd gotten a major heat headache before leaving and was surprised I was standing at that point. I did sniff out the sangria and almost got drunk from the fumes. She explained that there was a whole bunch of different liquors in it plus the red wine. That explained the little bit of a buzz she had going on.

That also explained the slightly louder than necessary encouragement she was offering AEF in hooking up with the bartender. First, she yelled, Go! Go out with him! Get with him! Then, she instructed, Be sexy! At which AEF began dancing and T was like, Not by grinding on me! To him! To him!

I decided at that point that T should make an instructional video on how to get the guy.

1. Have your friend scream behind you something like Get him! so that he hears.

2. Grind against girls.

This video, I'm sure, would be very successful.

The bartender was nice and AEF said she can never tell if they're like that because they're bartenders or because they're into her. That's a fine line, but it's always nice to at least make friends with one, and AEF always makes friends with them. This one, however cute, was iffy at best. At one point, he leaned over and said to her: Hey, BTW, I can get your Coors Light for free because it's a promotion. She looked over at me when he left and we were both like, Did he just say B T W? Like out loud? To speak?

During all this time, I was being eated alive by teeny tiny bugs. At first, I thought it was just me, but then D pulled one out of her head and was like, look at what I found. Bugs always find me and they always attack me most. Gone was the lone bug from the sidewalk replaced by hundreds all over the place. I spent most of the time smacking myself, and at one point, looking down my own shirt, trying to follow one that had headed that way. N suggested using Agent Orange. T pointed out it makes you sterile. I don't have a problem with that part, but Agent Orange seems kind of extreme.

Then things got weird. A woman who looked like a late-40s version of Pink came in with a much younger guy who had matching eyebrows. She carted herself through, stayed a while, and then carted herself out, all with the guy in tow. Then the guy near us was drinking one of those very long girly drinks. All the girls with him were drinking them and they were yellow. His was purple with a pink straw, and was very phallic. The DJ was playing the dirty version of every song, which I quite enjoyed because it's not every day you can hear the lyric, But tonight I'm fucking you, but that couldn't win out over the bugs. With the Gloria Estefan tease, I was out.

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