Definition of Bad Timing

Finding single men in New York was not my favorite activity. I was single for a very long time. During that very long time, I had very bad dates. Also during that time, once I upped my standards, I had no dates at all. So if any of my single gal pals need me, I there.

That means that I found myself sitting at a bar by myself while one of my single friends was speed dating on the other side of the wall in the lounge. We'd gotten there early to check out people as they walked in. The host came in and guessed what we were there for. He was very excited and kept telling my friend that she was lucky because he had 14 and 14 (guys and girls) and tonight was going to be fun, a lot of fun, fun, fun, fun.

She looked at me when he left with a face that said, We should run out of here now.

Instead, we stayed. I sent her on a mission--find out what material comprised his shirt because it was semi-shiny and structured, like no material I'd ever seen before.

While the doorways between the bar and the lounge were blocked off with sheets, the dating was not very private from the small group of guys who were watching the Duke game, me, and the couple next to me who had to be on their second or third date (more on that in a moment). We couldn't see what was happening, but we could hear it. The host had a mic and as soon as I heard, Can I have everyone's attention?, I was like, oh here we go.

No one else in the bar knew what was going on in the other room so they all came to attention, trying to figure it out. That sent several people over to the doorways to peek at the action. The guy on the date came back laughing to his date, saying, They're speed dating! Would you ever do that? I've never done that. They're speed dating!

The basketball guys were just laughing--Speed dating! hahahhahahhahahhahaha.

You know, mature reactions.

The hooting and hollering only increased when they heard the host say, Now thirty seconds to take notes! They were like, Take notes? Really? Notes????

Then the host came out during the second "date" period of four minutes to tell me that two of the girls didn't show up. He was like, Can you believe that? I was like, Um, I don't know? He then asked again, You're married right? I answered, Yup. He responded, That's not helpful; you can't help. I answered, No, but thanks? Yeah, that's right. Two of my answers to him were in question form because I was confused as to why he was talking to me. In any case, I want his job. It sounds fun. I'd get to wear a name tag and everything.

Now to the couple on their second or third date. If it had been me on that date, I would have fallen off the barstool on purpose to injure myself so I would have to go home or to the hospital, either one being of equal value. This is what I know about this guy: he likes expensive things, he buys only expensive things, he likes to buy things that cost a lot rather than things that don't, his four friends chipped in to buy him one expensive gift for his 30th birthday because they know he likes expensive things, he's been to Germany where he found other travelers who bought him beer, and he likes the tv show House.

The girl, however, seemed to enjoy his very loud talking and even got a few words into the conversation: she's been to Paris and likes to watch How I Met Your Mother.

Anyway, the speed dating came to an end after about an hour and 45 minutes, including one break in the middle. Why take a break? It's speed dating, right? I guess that doesn't matter. My friend did not find out the material of the host's shirt but she did meet some "interesting" guys. None that were her type. I knew that as soon as the thing started. No one had come through the door that caught her eye. I mean, some were like my height. I'm not kidding. On the flip side, several of them came over to talk to her afterwards. They were also totally breaking the rules by saying, I'll see you again right? right? right? The whole point of speed dating is to avoid that awkward moment when you reject someone. The speed dating service does that for you.

How do I know so much about speed dating? I went on Hurry Date once. Let's move on before I purposely fall off my chair to injure myself.

So that's the tale of my friend's speed dating experience. However, that's not the point. I told you that story so I could tell you this one.

I called out to Eddie who was in his man-cave-room, Are you okay with my going with my friend to speed dating? He asked, What are you going to wear? I said, A shirt that covers up my boobs. He said, Yeah, sure.

The morning after speed dating, my cell phone rang. I was on the couch, so I didn't get up to get it. Anyone who knows me well enough for me to actually want to talk to them on the phone knows to call my house phone to try me at home. Eddie was near it so he told me it was an unknown number. He joked, Is it a guy from speed dating?

I responded, Like I told you even before I went, no one talked to me.

It's true. There I was at the bar all by myself, and not one person talked to me. Eddie had been sure that someone would have at least tried to hit on me. I told him it wasn't going to happen. And it didn't. I think that I give off a "leave me alone" vibe when I'm alone. In fact, I probably give off that vibe even when I'm not.

Anyway, I told him to check the message. He listened to maybe two seconds of it before tossing me the phone. It's a guy, he said, part annoyed part amused.

I was like, No it's not.

He was like, Listen to it.

I listened. Wow, it was a guy. Of course, Eddie hadn't listened to what the guy was saying. He'd just heard Man Voice and decided to make me figure it out.

The guy was calling to ask about how many bedrooms the house I was selling had. I told Eddie, apparently I not only own a house, but I'm selling it.

Eddie was like, you're gonna be making some money soon? I was like, good timing with your buying a business and all. He was like, we're rich. Yes, yes we are.