Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Cruising In Circles

To celebrate Eddie's mom's birthday, we took her on the Opus Casino Cruise out of Freeport. She was able to bring a guest and she chose my mom. Aw, cute. We met up at 9:30 AM and drove over to Freeport. We followed the parking attendant's pointing and parked where we would be blocked in until everyone exited the boat later on. Then we saw people parking in the other part of the lot. See what happens when we follow directions? We get blocked in.

We stood on the line with our Groupons the way we would use any other Groupon. Then the woman behind me asked if we had boarding passes. I was like, we have these. She was like, you need to go exchange them in the building next to us. Oh. Okay. So we got off of the line and went to exchange the passes. When we'd called to make the reservations, no one told us that. The lady on line behind us should work for Opus Cruises in the capacity of Groupon Exchange Instructor.

When we got our tickets, we got back on line which was really not a line anymore. We'd been told to arrive very early, but I guess Saturday afternoon cruises are not very crowded. We walked right up to the boarding pass scanner person and got our IDs scanned. Then we walked through the bag check point. Then we all got leis except for Eddie. Aw, the men don't get purple leis.

After we got on the boat (which in itself was a mom-fest of both of them telling me to be careful not to get my heels caught on the door mat thingies), we kept going straight and realized we didn't know where to go. No one told us what we should do even though the entire staff was standing on either side of the main aisle so that everyone who walked in walked through them as if being on parade. It was awkward.

I smelled the food upstairs so we headed up to the buffet. The boat was to leave at 11. It was like 10:30 by the time we were eating. I felt that we'd gotten there way too early. We ate. We watched the people behind us surprise a couple that was celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. Later on, my mom went up to the lady, patted her on the back, and said congratulations. And I was like, Mooooommmm, why do you have to be invooooooooollllvvvveedddd? Because I'll always be twelve and my mom will always be my mom.

The boat started moving at exactly 11 so we headed out to deck, which was right outside as the buffet was on the top floor. We sat and watched as the land got farther away. At one point, we went under the bridge at Loop Parkway. It has to open up for large boats to pass. The DJ told us we had to scream so that the bridge would honk at us. We screamed on his 3 - 2 - 1 count and then we got two honks, which the DJ said meant we would win double. Then he laughed.

The boat was immediately rocky as it picked up speed. We chatted for about an hour.

Then it was finally time to gamble. We headed inside, almost falling. Everyone looked like they were drunk except for the people who worked on the boat. Rocky rocky rocky. We went to the bathroom and then held on for dear life to the slot machines on the second floor as the boat rocked and rocked.

I have really good balance for the most part. I never have gotten sea sick. However, this time around, though I wasn't feeling sick, my head was spinning. Spin spin spin goes the brain inside the skull. Ooooooh, meeeee noooooo likeeeeeee. That's how I felt for the next two hours. Eddie was like, we can sell our tickets for the next cruise if you want (we're planning to go back in a few weeks with friends). I was like, let's just see how the rest of the day shapes up. The cruise in total is six hours.

Eddie went to play Blackjack. Me and my mom watched for two hands but the dealer kept giving us the evil eye so we left. Our moms played the slots. I played with my mom for a while. She kept giving me dollars to play with. I'm not a gambler. I don't see the point of putting my money into a machine and getting nothing back. Still, every time she gave me a dollar, I made her some cash. We then went to the first level where there are only slots. She found machines that had low stools that she could easily sit on so we stayed there for a while. We also found a machine that had money left on it. We cashed out a whopping ten cents and then played a 2 cent machine and lost all of it on the first spin because the 2 cent machines are the most difficult to figure out.

Eddie was winning at Blackjack by the time we got back to the table games on the second floor. He had made two friends at the table; they had a combined age of 198. When we saw one of them later, he asked how Eddie did and then told him he did a good job. Eddie showed me how to play in a casino as opposed to how I play at home (at home, you can touch the cards and stuff--apparently, they don't like you doing that in a casino). The dealer was very unamused; this was a different dealer from before and she was also a sourpuss. Still, I had $15 in match play credits, so I had to play something on a table. Eddie threw me $15 in chips and we put it on the match play card. My cards came up and I hit. Then I didn't know what was going on until the dealer was pushing lots of chips my way. I asked, What happened? He said, You won. I was like, What do you mean? He said, I stayed for you and then the dealer went bust.

I won? I won! Thirty bucks! I won!

I pushed my chips on over to Eddie since they were really his and then I quit. The dealer remained very unamused.

More slots came after that. Some of the machines were really difficult to figure out. I didn't understand how I would win one credit that isn't listed on top with an explanation when nothing is on the win line.

I spent about an hour on the inside of the upper deck, watching the waves. I should have brought a book. I was gambled out by 2 something and needed a break. Eddie was playing a Texas Holdem tournament with five people inside so I was able to peek at him from time to time to see his chip stack.

Eddie's mom and my mom joined me for a break. The DJ outside was telling the women who were dancing that Michael Jackson was going to show up soon and if he was lying, they could throw him overboard. Both moms were like, we want to throw him overboard now. Nice. They get along.

Then the DJ put on a silver glove and an MJ mask and started dancing with them. It was really disturbing. The mask itself was disturbing so someone dancing around with it was worse. Then he took it off and was like, Hey did Michael show up?

Eddie's mom went to gamble more and my mom and I went outside. I had some of my snacks that I'd brought. The boat has no food between buffet time at 10-11ish and around 3:45 for snacks later. So I brought snacks of my own. While I chowed down on raisins and crackers, the DJ put on a conga song and made the women start a conga line. He kept telling them to go inside and grab people. As soon as the entire line was inside, he turned off the song, and was like, Now that we got rid of them, what do you want to hear?

That? Was Hil. Air. Eee. Us!

Eddie showed up a little while later. I was like, Did we win? He was like, no it ended and no one won. I asked how that was possible. He said that with two players, the casino can't make a profit so they end the game. The other guy won a lot of everyone else's money and Eddie won his own money back with a little more. Apparently, the dealer was a real douchetool because he complained to the two guys left--Eddie and some dude--that no one had tipped him. Jerk, don't complain to the two people left; complain to the people who left the table without tipping. Assssssss.

With about twenty minutes left to gamble, we all went inside to play a little more. To use their matchplay cards, our moms played a round of roulette each. Eddie's mom lost. My mom won. That's pretty much roulette odds when you use the matchplay cards--you can use them only on the 50/50 chance slots.

Eddie played some more Blackjack and won about five hands in a row. Yeay!!!

The moms were at the slots. My mom asked if she should cash out when the announcement came on that there was about five minutes left to play. I was like, You play until you win! Then in the next three spins, she won. The third spin hit something and it kept going and going and binging and dinging. We looked at each other with surprise and I yelled, Cash out! Cash out!

We went back up to the top level when the casino closed and found that the boat was serving boiled hot dogs. We got one for his mom. I got a plain bun that Eddie and I split. They were also serving cake. Hot dogs and cake. That's a party. We watched the Yankee game and an infomercial for Sensa and then one for Zubma.

As the boat got a bit closer, we walked down to the first level to get ready to leave the boat. The captain took about three tries to get the boat close enough to the dock. As we waited, some guy leaned on a slot machine and it started binging and dinging. Someone had forgotten to cash out and he reaped the benefits! When the doors opened, we felt a heatwave rush in. The casino wasn't freezing but even though outside was not too hot, it was hot enough to feel the difference. Finally, we docked and got on land. I felt like I was swaying back and forth as we walked over to the car. We didn't have to wait long at all even though we were blocked in. The boat hadn't been crowded at all so the lot emptied quickly.

And I spent the rest of the night--at the diner with my mom, my dad, Eddie's mom, and Eddie--and then driving his mom home and then sitting on the couch and then going to bed, I spent all that time feeling as if I were on the boat. No one else felt that way. I on the other hand was rocking side to side. Sway sway sway brain in the skull with the imaginary waves.

My plan for next time includes perhaps more table games and drinking as to avert the rocking and replace it with buzzing and to perhaps win more than thirty bucks.

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