Traffic Day

Getting from Long Island to Brooklyn is no easy task. The Belt offers much excitement like closed lanes and stopped cars for no reason. Eddie and I got to SMM and AF in about an hour which should have taken about 25 minutes.

Getting from Brooklyn to New Jersey is no easy task. Along the way, we saw a demonic clown on the side of the road, at which point Eddie revealed my distaste for adults in costumes. It wasn't so much that it was a demonic clown, I explained. It was that an adult was in a costume and thought it was okay. We also passed by one of those tubey wavey things in front of a car dealership that I am also not fond of. I'm not scared of them; they just make me unsettled. So SMM did what anyone else has ever done upon finding this out. He drove closer and stopped by it so it could wave over the car.

We finally got to Battleview Orchards some time after noon. Donuts! Cakes! Pies! Cider! I was a happy girl. We got on line to buy a dozen cider donuts, which we ate hot. At first, I thought Eddie was nibbling mine because he wanted to make sure he liked it. Then I realized he simply didn't want to get his hands sticky. Thanks. It was worth the sticky. I ate two in a row. Actually, we all did. Mmmm. When we went inside the store, it was sugar overload. They have lots of sweets for sale. I went with a hot apple cider, my first of the Fall, and I was in heaven.

Unfortunately, I had to hit the ladies room, which in this case, was a porter potty. I made Eddie come with me and stand guard even though the door locked. I got inside and it smelled like ass, which I guess is appropriate considering. It also smelled like ammonia and pee. Also? Appropriate. I began to discuss my dislike for the smell very loudly, mostly by yelling out Gross! So gross! Then I looked up and started a new yell: Spiderwebs! There are spiderwebs!

Then Eddie answered in a hushed yell, You need to stop--there are people out here.

Big stem.  Heh heh.

As if I cared. So I continued...So grossssssss....ewwwwwwww....until I was done and came outside. Then I said to him, That was GROSS! He was like, Yes, I think I understand that by now.

After being attacked by some yellow jackets that were very interested in the cinnamon sugar residue from the donuts, we headed down to the pumpkin field where they were also giving hayrides, bypassing the apple picking field because no one eats apples except for me and I really didn't have a strong need to climb a ladder into a tree where there were most likely more bugs. I had visions of swatting at insects and falling to my death, much like how Eddie hit my several times in the head with a bag of pretzels to get a bug off of me when we were on the top edge of Bear Mountain. That's not my kind of fun.

Caterpillar!!!

 

The hayride was scary in that I thought they were kidnapping us and holding us for ransom. I figured a hayride would have someone from the orchard on board with us, pointing out what was growing where. Instead, we were corralled into a trailer of hay attached to a tractor and the worker from the orchard was in a black hoodie and was listening to his iPod. I'm not sure why he was there because his back was turned to us the whole time. Then we went around the field and saw all the dead and dying trees and rotting fruit. AF was attacked by a mosquito. I was attacked by a yellow jacket that almost went down my shirt, which SMM pointed out by saying, Um it's going down your shirt but I don't want to try to get it. Eddie took away my cider and it followed. I announced that anyone was allowed to touch my frontal area if I was in danger of having a yellow jacket go down my shirt.

We were on the trailer for a good fifteen minutes. The boys were half-hoping it would flip so we could sue. This was the fun of the hayride. We went well out into the middle of nowhere, and that's when I thought we were never making it back. However, we made it back and then headed into the pumpkin field that had the biggest pumpkins I'd ever seen.

Pretend apple picking

By the time we were through with the pumpkins, it was time to go home. I was hungry so I had another donut. Then Eddie was like, what's all over your chest? The cinnamon sugar was all over me, down my shirt and all. Seriously, you can't take me anywhere.

Getting to New York from New Jersey is no easy task. The road is a parking lot.

Getting to Long Island from Brooklyn is no easy task. The Belt sucks ass.

Getting to Garden City is no easy task. But we got there. Starving.

This is the part of the day I'd like to call Making Friends at Bobby's Burgers.  The menu is not that difficult to read, but just to make sure, Eddie asked, Do you guys make turkey burgers plain?  The counter girl looked at us, looked at the menu, looked back at us, and then answered, Um, yeah.  So I punched her in the face.

Okay, I didn't punch her in the face, but I wanted to.  I asked for a plain turkey burger.  Eddie asked for a plain burger burger.  When I ordered my iced tea, she lamely explained it would be brought out to me.  Thanks, Happy.  We found SMM and AF who were searching for seats near each other and not in the blaring sun.  That meant we were hovering over people who looked like they were finishing their meals.  You know, making friends.  Finally, two women got up and left, leaving us three seats.  A man with several hundred bags was waiting for food so Eddie decided he would sit when the bagman left.  We were unfortunately in the sunshine and SMM took to his sunglasses and Eddie was getting a tan. 

Note to Bobby Flay: Invest in some blinds, dude.

My iced tea arrived and then soon after the food.  The burger was good but also small.  That didn't matter because I was partially still filled up on donuts. 

This day was the epitome of nutrition: three donuts and a turkey burger. 


After the burgers and the actual quick ride home, AF and I set out to carve the greatest pumpkin ever.  We found a picture online.  I free-handed the stencil.  She carved most of it.  It came out pretty swell, I think.  Then we took naps as the boys played cards with a bunch of other boys who came over to play cards.  Then we woke up and watched The Newlywed Game because we're girls.