Sunday, October 7, 2012

Fourteen What Now?

Some relatively new businesses dot the shopping district of Lynbrook.  After eating at Angelina's yesterday, I noticed one that I hadn't thought much about until I actually read the name of it.  At first, I thought it was called 14 Handies.  I asked, What the hell is a handie?

My brother said, No, I think it says 14 Candles.  Like 16 Candles.  Minus 2.

But no, when we walked in front of it, we deciphered: 14 Handles. 

What do they sell?  Handles for pitchers and mugs and jugs?  Handles for buckets and pails?  Briefcase and suitcase handles?  Cooler handles?  I guess it could be a legit niche business considering how many things in the world have handles.

The colors are all neon, though, so I'd thought it was a frozen yogurt shop or a place for smoothies.

You know you have a problem with your business model when the actual point and product of your store is a mystery.  Intrigue is great in movies, but not good for drawing customers.

Then, to top it off, in the front window, I saw this:

Uh, what the hell is a fist pumpkin?

Then I read it all together: Now Handling Fist Pumpkin.

Is this a sex shop?  I think it's a sex shop.  What else could that possibly mean?   14 ways to handle your sexual inuendos.  That has to be a sexual inuendo, right?  Like, you know, all those crazy names for kinky sex stuff--the Mushroom Stamp, the Rusty Nail, the Bill Cosby (I will admit, I know what two of the previous three actual mean, and I leave it up to you to wonder which ones).  Now we add to that the Fist Pumpkin.  Maybe it's reserved for Autumn only.  Or maybe it involves a Jack o'Lantern or a pumpkin patch or a hayride. 

In any case, I don't think I'll be dropping by 14 Handles anytime soon.  Ooh, I just realized--maybe 14 Handies is a better name.  Right?  You get me?

There's a slight possibility that this place is indeed called 16 Handles.  I could swear the sign said 14, but I was very distracted by all the pumpkins and the fists, so I could have misread it.  Still...weird.

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