Some relatively new businesses dot the shopping district of Lynbrook. After eating at Angelina's yesterday, I noticed one that I hadn't thought much about until I actually read the name of it. At first, I thought it was called 14 Handies. I asked, What the hell is a handie?
My brother said, No, I think it says 14 Candles. Like 16 Candles. Minus 2.
But no, when we walked in front of it, we deciphered: 14 Handles.
What do they sell? Handles for pitchers and mugs and jugs? Handles for buckets and pails? Briefcase and suitcase handles? Cooler handles? I guess it could be a legit niche business considering how many things in the world have handles.
The colors are all neon, though, so I'd thought it was a frozen yogurt shop or a place for smoothies.
You know you have a problem with your business model when the actual point and product of your store is a mystery. Intrigue is great in movies, but not good for drawing customers.
Then, to top it off, in the front window, I saw this:
Then I read it all together: Now Handling Fist Pumpkin.
Is this a sex shop? I think it's a sex shop. What else could that possibly mean? 14 ways to handle your sexual inuendos. That has to be a sexual inuendo, right? Like, you know, all those crazy names for kinky sex stuff--the Mushroom Stamp, the Rusty Nail, the Bill Cosby (I will admit, I know what two of the previous three actual mean, and I leave it up to you to wonder which ones). Now we add to that the Fist Pumpkin. Maybe it's reserved for Autumn only. Or maybe it involves a Jack o'Lantern or a pumpkin patch or a hayride.
In any case, I don't think I'll be dropping by 14 Handles anytime soon. Ooh, I just realized--maybe 14 Handies is a better name. Right? You get me?
There's a slight possibility that this place is indeed called 16 Handles. I could swear the sign said 14, but I was very distracted by all the pumpkins and the fists, so I could have misread it. Still...weird.