Is This Really Happening? Part I

The coming attractions for Safe House made it look like a fast-paced, energetic, suspensful action thriller with Denzel Washington sporting a goatee. Who could resist? So Eddie and I headed over to the theatre that does not allow guns for a matinee. It was such an easy plan.

When we got into the theatre, we were the only people there. A constant, quite loud thump thump thump thump thump was coming from the projector. We sat down, thinking it would stop now that we were there. Nope. Some theatres show quizzes. Some show commercials. This theatre offers thumping. We thought, hey maybe something is wrong. We would give it until 11 and then go check it out.

Some guy walked in and immediately said, Wow that's annoying. I told him our plan to give it to 11.

At 11, Eddie walked down to the concession stand where only two people were working. He stood behind two women who were going on and on about ordering popcorn with lots of butter. Finally, he told someone about the thumping and they said, yeah we know it's doing that. Okay then.

When he returned, two more people had entered the theatre. We were five in total. The two guys who were not together sat in the back corners. Then the popcorn women came in with one other woman in tow. They were loud. They started to enter our row and then they sat at the end in the row in front of us. Then the crazier louder one of the bunch sat in front of Eddie. The mid-crazy one sat two seat away from her with her coat in front of me.

I looked at Eddie. He shook his head and was like, I can still see but this is nuts.

By the way, still THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP.

Then the mid-crazy got up and plopped herself down right in front of me. I sat forward in my chair. I looked around to make sure that everyone in the theatre was seeing this. No one else seemed to care.

THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP

Seriously, the entire theatre was empty except for three other seats and they decide the best place for them to sit is DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF US. I asked Eddie, Is this really happening? He asked if we should move and I was like, We were here first. I could see fine, anyway, but the principle was the reason I was staying. Not that these women had any clue as to what they were doing or what principles are.

THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP

Meanwhile, their friend sat in the end seat of our row and a guy came in and sat down next to her. The two women in front of us cackled, It's like you're on a date!!! What the?

Then, the THUMP THUMP THUMP stopped. The lights started to dim. This action usually signals people to quiet down. Not for the crazies! This action meant, Let's play with each other's phones because we don't know how to shut them off. Let's laugh as loudly as possible at the Lorax who is telling us to be quiet. Let's practically roll onto the floor and wave at our friend in the row behind us while we laugh even more loudly.

And then, the movie began. They shut up for a while. Then the fight scenes started and I'm not quite sure why they seemed so shocked that fighting was an integral part of an action movie, but shocked they were.

I wanted to lean forward to tell them that this movie was not the audience participation kind, but the main crazy was getting louder and crazier, so I thought it best to sit back and make it amuse me more than annoy me, as difficult as that was. If the movie were easier to follow in the beginning, I wouldn't have minded the distraction, but there was some figuring out to do, which I enjoy doing, and this woman was clearly not trying to figure anything out about the plot. She was instead fearing for Ryan Reynolds's life complete with Ooooh!!! NOOOOOO!!!! ACKKK!!!! No no no no no!!!! Watch it! Oof! Ungh!!! moving all around in her seat, ducking out of the way as if her movements would control his, though she really wasn't as stealthy and nimble as she may have thought and totally would have been busted up if it were a real fight.

Between fight scenes, we watched in peace until she got the idea that her friend might be hungry. She got up, took the tray of popcorn, and walked over to her friend at the end of our row, offering up the goodies. That woman, in the meantime, had been leaving the theatre every ten minutes. I don't know why, and I really don't care, but why would anyone pay for a movie she was not going to see much of? Plus, the last time she left was at the end of the movie when all the suspenseful guessing gets resolved. She said no to the popcorn so the crazy came over and made a big production of sitting back down.

As soon as the credits came on and the lights came up, Eddie said, Let's get out of here right now. Sometimes I like to watch the credits, but this time, I was practically out the door by the time he finished his sentence.