Sunday, July 7, 2013

Not So Superman

With a theatre of about a hundred empty seats, this is what appeared in front of us as Eddie and I waited for Man Of Steel to begin.

The one on the left said to the other one, should we sit in front of these people? As if we couldn't hear. The one on the right said, what? you don't sit in front of people? Whatever that means. Then they moved to the middle of the row. Then they came back, agreeing that these seats were better.

I have no problem with people sitting on an end, but if the theatre is empty, do you have to sit in the two seats right in front of us? Following their settling in, which took several minutes of moving and shaking, the one on the right got up and went to the bathroom. I know this because she loudly announced that she needed to go to the bathroom. When she came back, she could not find her sweater. I know this because she practically climbed over the back of her seat, making it recline into Eddie's lap, and then asked him if he saw her sweater anywhere. Shocked, Eddie was like, Um, I'm sorry? She repeated that she couldn't find her sweater. He craned is neck under the reclined seat in his lap and said there was no sweater. She leaned forward and he said, She didn't even say thanks.

She found her sweater. She was sitting on it. Then she somehow got the chair to recline back into an almost lying down position to watch the movie. Whenever people tried to get in and out of the row, she and her friend didn't move. They said they couldn't move out of the way. When you sit on an end, you need to be able to maneuver to let people go by. Or you can stand the fuck up. They did neither. They obviously have no idea about theatre ettiquette. We couldn't move because the theatre filled up pretty quickly. That and we were there first and we were not giving up the territory we'd claimed.

Once the movie began, I realized that it was going to be exactly what I thought it was going to be--the entire story of Superman. Not like Clark Kent running through the city, whirling around in a phone booth, and saving the day. No, it was the planet Org or whatever and he was being born. The entire life story of Superman.

Sidenote: Since I had no desire to see this movie, I had no idea who was in it, so I was surprised to see Kevin Costner come across the screen.

As soon as Superman's mom--I'll call her Helen--gave birth to him, the baby started crying. Then the baby made baby noises. Then I said, You've got to be kidding me, under my breath because the noises were not coming from Helen and Baby Superman. They were coming from the infant behind me and Eddie who was there with his or her parents. Seriously? An infant?

So there I was, watching a movie I had no interest in seeing, stuck between two generations, neither of which know movie ettiquette. After about two hours, I wanted Superman to die. The city was destroyed on screen and suddenly the bad guy reappeared. Seriously? More mid-air fighting? More destruction of pretty buildings. Yes, Superman, you have to sometimes kill people to save the day. Ooh, should I have made a Spoiler Alert? Eh, anyone who needs one shouldn't go see this movie anyway, especially not when two little old ladies and a great giant baby are in attendance.

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