belVita Gets Offended By Procreation

Because I like FREE stuff, I look up every contest I hear about on the radio.  Not even knowing what the heck BelVita was, I tried finding it online when I heard the PLJ Big Show talking about how you could get some for free.  Unfortunately, I was looking up Velveeta Crackers and couldn't find them anywhere.

I was not alone.  Soon enough, when they did the promotions, they were spelling out B-E-L-V-I-T-A for all the listeners, and explaining, it has nothing to do with cheese.  Ahhhh, found it!

To enter, you typed in your email address and then either chose from a list of things you've done from all the energy you got from a BelVita breakfast or you typed your own.  The list included things like, I finished my to-do list!, I ran! I jumped! I played!, and also, I'm not going to lie--I didn't eat BelVita.

Even though I've never had BelVita in my life, I never picked that one.  In fact, I would write my own.  It became kind of like one of those positive self-affirmation activities that all the people who read The Secret do.  So I wrote things like: I did yoga!, Kickboxing!, I worked all morning!, and I did some cardio and some weight training!  Yes, usually with exclamation points.  Otherwise, who cares what I did, am I right?

One morning, on a whim, I typed in, Lots of sex!  Yes, exclamation point included.

Instead of getting the usual screen that told me to try again tomorrow, I got an error message in bright red that asked me to delete the inappropriate/offensive language from my answer.

Whoa, settle down BelVita!  Who knew that breakfast crackers could be so prudish?

First of all, how is the word "sex" inappropriate or offensive?  We use the word "sex" in a similar vain of "gender" (even though that's not correct).  That's not inappropriate or offensive.

Second of all, it's not like I said, Enjoyed a Dirty Sanchez or Got it on with a SuperMan finish or any of those other urban dictionary innuendos.  In fact, I don't even know what I'm saying when I say them (except for a Bill Cosby Sweater--that one I know--thanks Chelsea Lately--see?  television is educational).

Third of all, during my time teaching Ethics, I taught a chapter about Sexual Morality.  One of the essays we read likened sex to playing a game of tennis.  It's neither moral or immoral.  It's simply an activity.  So in this case, I was likening sex to kickboxing, weight lifting, cardio, and yoga.  All activities.

Fourth of all, what if I were telling the truth?  For shame, BelVita, for shame!  Stifling the truth!

Fifth of all, who the hell was reading the comments?  Really, whom was I offending with my highly inappropriate language?

I suppose none of this matters since the contest is now over.  I've learned that the good folks at BelVita are prudish, sure, but I also learned that they are not stingy prudes.  Guess who won not one but TWO coupons for FREE boxes of BelVita!

 
To celebrate, let's all go procreate after eating a whole box!