Monday, February 4, 2013

No Joke

Maybe you've seen this commercial recently:

It's probably one of the most entertaining things on television today. Every time Eddie and I are watching tv, we laugh. Every time we are fast forwarding through a DVR, we stop, back up, watch, and laugh some more.

The best birthday present I thought to get him was the WaxVac. It had to be done. It was a gag gift, mostly, but if it worked, all the better. Plus, it was buy one get one. This was a great decision. This is why I'm not allowed to make decisions.

Neither of us will answer the phone if we don't know who it is. When the Caller ID comes up with a weird 800 number, we let the machine pick it up. For about two weeks, every day, and sometimes twice a day, a weird 800 number kept coming up. It wouldn't leave a message. Once I tried to call it back and it was busy.

About 9 PM on a Tuesday, the 800 number came up yet again. Feeling adventurous, Eddie picked it up and used his "I'm a person you don't want to talk to" voice to ward off any possible threat of someone trying to sell us something. The voice is a bit like Kermit The Frog's crossed with Barry White. He put it on speaker. This is the conversation that transpired:

Barry The Frog: Hello?

Person: Hello, is this Christina?

Barry The Frog: No, who's this?

Person: Hello, I'm calling for Christina.

Barry The Frog: She's not here. Who is this?

Person: I'm calling because Christina placed an order for a WaxVac. Is she there?

Eddie, no longer sounding like Barry The Frog because he'd just answered this question: She's not here; can I help you?

[meanwhile, he's mouthing to me, Did you buy a WaxVac? and I'm mouthing back, It was a gag gift for your birthday way to ruin the surprise stupid WaxVac people]

WaxVac Surprise-Ruiner: Well who is this?

Eddie: This is her husband; how can I help you?

WaxVac Surprise-Ruiner: We just wanted to let you know, Mr. Raw, that the shipment is on its way and should arrive within the week. Also, as a thank you for ordering with us, we will give you $100 to spend on gas. We'll be sending that out to you when you pay only $1.

Eddie: We don't want that. We want only what she ordered.

WaxVac: It's $100 for gas for you to keep.

Eddie: No thank you.

WaxVac: Okay I'm patching you through to...

[at this point, I don't know what she did because she just gave us to another operator who....]

2nd WaxVac Person: Hello, Christina?

Eddie: No, this is her husband.

2nd Wax Vac Person: Okay, hello, Mr. Raw, I'm letting you know that we're sending out a packet for you to use and with only $1

Eddie: Hold on, please. I just told the other woman I don't want it.

2nd WaxVac: It's $100 in gas money.

Eddie: No thank you.

2nd Wax Vac: Okay we'll get that out to you and you have a good night.


Okay, a few things:

1. The operators at WaxVac clearly do not use their own product because they didn't hear when Eddie said, NO!!!!

2. Who the hell is Mr. Raw?

3. What was the purpose in transferring to a second operator?

4. What does gas have to do with cleaning out your ears?

We discussed the absurdity of the phone call and wondered why the woman hung up on him. Then to show him what was happening when I'd been calling back, I dialed the number. This time, instead of a busy signal, someone answered: Hello, Christina!

That freaked me the fuck out so I immediately hung up and hid the phone under the couch cushion.

So you got me a WaxVac? Eddie asked.

They ruined the fun! I wailed.

Fast forward to a week later. I have two WaxVacs in my possession.

Fast forward a few days later. The phone has been ringing with an odd 800 number. No one is leaving messages. They are calling when we aren't home. The phone rings when I am home finally and I answer and no one is there and it clicks off to a disconnected line.

I'm pissed so I call the number back. Hello, Christina!

What the fuck???

I answer, Hi, someone just called from this number and hung up on me. Who's this?

I get the response, The phone is on an auto-dialer so the auto-dialer hung up. Is this Christina?

Me: Yes, who is this?

Person: Hi, I'm calling to thank you for ordering WaxVac, and I just wanted to let you know that your order is on its way.

Me: Let me stop you for a moment; I already received my order.

WaxVac: I'm so happy to hear that! Our call system is backed up.

Me: No, people have been calling. Someone spoke to my husband.

WaxVac: Okay, great. So we're going to send you $100 to spend on gas and you pay a dollar and...

Me: Let me stop you again. My husband told two people already that we are not interested and not to send it.

WaxVac: But it's $100 for gas.

Me: No.

WaxVac: Okay so you enjoy your Wax Vac.

1. How do you "enjoy" a WaxVac? It's purpose is to suck water out of your ears. Enjoy?

2. What is it with the gas money????

3. Why is Wax Vac stalking me????????????????

FYI: The WaxVac does not work. Surprise.

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